Moms Talk: Dealing With the Loss of the Family Pet

Today I came home and she didn’t have her nose pressed against the window.  There was no clickity-clack of nails on the hardwood when I dropped a piece of food while cooking and when I sat down at the end of yet another hectic day there was no soft muzzle nudging my hand. 

This last week my family lost our energetic and loyal dog, Emma, very suddenly.  On Monday she was prancing by the door for a walk and by Thursday night she was gone.  

Emma considered herself another human in the house.  She “talked” in long rawr-rawr sentences, sat all 80 pounds in your lap for attention and understood so many words that we had to spell like we were living with a toddler.  Emma wasn’t just a dog, she was family.

So how do you cope with the loss of a pet?  Honestly it is different for everyone, but with still very raw emotions here are some of the ways our family has taken it one step at a time:

1)    Talk and write down some of your favorite family memories with your pet.

It surprised me how much my kids wanted to share silly stories and favorite Emma moments.  I thought the emotions might be too strong, but to laugh and remember the lighter moments was a way to bond and even re-live some things we had forgotten.  Suddenly even her naughty moments seemed comical and we each had different stories that stood out in our minds.  Now that my children are teens, I’ve learned that all their childhood little phrases and funny episodes are easily forgotten if you don’t write them down. So spend some time journaling moments you never want to forget.

2)    Pick out special items to save or create a memorial and store the rest.

Save a collar, a sentimental toy or dish and place them with a favorite photo somewhere in your home that will serve as a memorial to help your family honor their memory.  Many vets and animal hospitals will provide a paw casting that can either be placed on a mantle or set into a homemade memorial stepping stone.  Take the remaining items and store them in boxes or donate to another family with a pet to help lessen the constant reminders that may be all over the house.

3) Use social media to let others know and get support.

If you use social media such as Facebook, work with the family to create a picture album of some of your favorite pet photos and post along with a message sharing that you have lost your pet.  This not only helps your friends and loved ones know what you are going through, but it also results in many thoughtful messages that you can read as a family to remember that others care and understand how hard this is.  We also found that our kids were invited out with friends because other parents understood that they needed some distractions in the first few days and sitting at home was tough.

4)    Let your emotions out.

Explain to older children and teens that having a variety of emotions is not only o.k., it’s to be expected.   One of our children broke down and cried immediately while another was angry and kept trying to ask questions about how this could happen so fast.  Another family member just sat in stunned silence.  Even a few days later we still get chocked up when a dog walks by on the street or we have to roller dog hair off our clothes.  The kids might have trouble sleeping and need some distractions.  All of this in part of the grieving process and understand that not everyone will “get it.”  Make home a safe place to talk and remember that crying is a healthy way to let out stress no matter your age.

5) Get some laughter and legwork. 

Rent a comedy, break out a board game or watch a comedian online.  Get out for a walk, go to the movies or clean out the garage. My children wanted to stay home from school, but honestly getting out of the house and having to concentrate on something else was the best thing for them.  Don’t spend too much time alone.  It may feel mechanical or forced, but keep busy.  In moments of great pain it feels like the world should stop and people should notice, sadly it won’t and many people may not understand.  Keep talking as a family, and find some reasons to get out of the house since that will be where the strongest memory triggers are.  Exercise is a natural mood lifter and don’t feel guilty if you find a reason to laugh.  You need it!

6) Be careful of replacing your pet too soon.

The urge may seem overwhelming to fill the tremendous void left by your pet.  Trust me, our house seems way too quiet and I feel so lonely walking the neighborhood without my four-legged confidant.  However, after doing some reading online I learned that if you replace your pet too soon it is usually disappointing.  You are looking to have your previous pet back, and no animal can live up to that.  Your new pet will be different; they will present different personalities, challenges and habits.  Likewise, the family is grieving and your pet will likely pick up on this emotion and may feel the need to become dominant which leads to many obedience issues.  When your family has dealt fully with your loss and is prepared to take on a whole new family member with a totally new set of quirks and qualities, only then consider pet ownership. 

7)    Check out grief resources.

The Golden Valley Animal Humane Society offers a pet loss support group that is always open to new faces.  My family was given a copy of the children’s book Dog Heaven and it really touched us.  Consider the needs of each of your family members and don’t be afraid to reach out for support.  Many vets and animal hospitals offer grief services and can also suggest memorial options.

8)    What would Emma do?

It sounds cheesy, but remember that your pet would want you to be happy.  That’s the best thing about pets.  They love you unconditionally.  In our case, Emma was in tremendous pain from a very fast moving cancer.  She was not the energetic and precocious young dog in her final days that she had always been.  The most loving thing we could do for her, was end her insufferable pain.  I know if she was here, she would want to end ours.  Think of their soft eyes, purring tummies or wagging tails and the answer is clear, they love seeing their loved ones happy.  In our house, we are still struggling day-by-day and sometimes hour by hour, but we recognize that our lives are better off because of the time we spent with our furry family member.  Life is precious and in the end every paw printed moment counts