BLOG: Your Children Are Not Your Children….Especially During Final Exam Week

The phone rang. It was the math tutor.

“We’ve set up some extra practice today in preparation for finals this week.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize there was extra help.” I responded.

“Yes, we’re expecting your daughter”

“Okay, I’ll get her there right away”.

Mistake #1…..making a plan for my daughter to be somewhere without checking with her first.

Mistake #2….that somewhere was with a math tutor.

I hung up the phone and flew upstairs…where, of course, she is still in her pajamas. What self-respecting teen would not be in bed at noon on Sunday? The power struggle ensues. Voices get louder. I disrupt her. She disrupts me. Hearts start racing…

”Why don’t you want to go to the tutor?” I yell.  

“This is so disrespectful!” still me.

“How can you find time to watch television but not do extra math work?” more me yelling.  

I take the phone privilege away and vow that this isn’t the end…..of what, I’m not sure.

A few hours later and a trip to the grocery store I clear my head. Food has a way of helping. Then it dawned on me that maybe it is me that wants my daughter to get a good grade on the math final. Maybe it is me who is embarrassed for not showing up for extra math help? Wait! Who is taking this test?

The words of author and motivational speaker Byron Katie echo in my memory when she  asks “Whose Business Are You In?” (click here to get more information). Well, that day I was definitely in my daughter’s business and not my own.

The parental journey of letting go has been tricky and full of emotion—especially through these teen years. When my children were young, I had more control. I bathed them, dressed them, decided who their playmates were. I am no longer the puppet master of their lives, nor should I be.

I’ve come to realize we cannot define success for our children or anyone else for that matter. I’m not saying that getting good grades is not a noble pursuit. That’s the thing…it’s a pursuit, a quest.  An ‘A’ in math or any grade may not mean success for your child. Steady improvement may be the definition. I didn’t earn my first “A” until college, a literature class. It took my maturity level, and my brain to develop in order to be achieve success. My passion for learning has stuck with me ever since.  

Now that my children are teenagers, parenting is about setting a good example and leading a life according to my own passions, gifts, and interests. We, as parents, set the environment for our kids to thrive (yes, that means arranging and paying for the occasional tutor). We are ever mindful that nurturing relationships, personal growth, and connecting to community are important to an emotionally healthy life. Not the pursuit of an ‘A’ for the sake of the grade. But, rather the pursuit of an ‘A’ for the sake of your child's personal growth. The motivation to succeed must come from within. No pounding on the door of my child’s bedroom or screaming at the top of my lungs will get the grade.

And one more philosophical note here by poet and philosopher Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931):

On Children
 Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

"What are your parenting challenges during exam week or any other time? Your comments are welcome and will help strengthen our online Eagan community."