GET ON THIS, NSA

I wasn’t really surprised to learn that the National Security Agency has been monitoring my phone calls.  I always figured they were.  Maybe it was the heavy breathing I could hear in the background whenever I was on the phone.  The agents assigned to my case should be paid a premium for putting up with such excruciating boredom.

            But if they are going to monitor my calls, I wish they would make use of some of the intelligence they gather to take action against the enemies of America.  I’m not talking drone strikes here.  I do not wish anyone that much evil.  But just a little cyber-whomp-upside-the-head would be nice.

            You see, I believe that this person who calls herself “Rachel from cardholder services” is in cahoots with Al Qaeda. She keeps calling in an attempt to shanghai me in to a nefarious plot to undermine the welfare of our nation by planting Asian Carp in Cascade Bay.  She calls me a few times, and then, when I hang up on her, she says that this is my “final notice,” but then a few weeks later she starts calling again.  The NSA should do something about Rachel.

            Once they have taken care of Rachel, the spooks at the NSA can focus their attention on that guy whose carpet cleaning service we used fifteen years ago who still calls us regularly to cajole us to get the carpets cleaned again.  The information that we have purchased our very own carpet cleaning equipment and, as a matter of fact, a lot of new carpeting, does not deter him from his aggressive spiel.  When he gets tired, he turns us over to the lawn care service we used to use.  My wife, being a much nicer person than I am, does not hang up on them.  NSA—please do something about this.  I think they are trying to provoke me into doing something violent and un-American, which they can then use as fodder for the America-hating propaganda machine.

            And then the charities, which are probably just front organizations for terrorists.  If I really do send in a contribution to the NAHR (National Association for Hangnail Research), what guarantee is there that my money isn’t being used to fund terrorist cells in Empire Township?  NSA, do something about these so-called charities, the Taliban in disguise.

            I’m cool with the NSA monitoring my calls, though I apologize to them for calls that are so boring.  I think it would be in everyone’s best interests if the power of America acted to cut down on the number of calls I get.